Internet trolls are arguably the worst people in existence.

Whether they’re ruining a thread on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube or the comments section of a website, their horrible contributions have become the plight of all those that attempt to use the internet for interesting and engaging conversation.

They’re essentially appendixes. Ninety per cent of the time they just sit there, contributing nothing to the body. But when they do decide to get active, the best they can do is explode with poisonous secretions that threaten the existence of everything around them.

Music trolls, in particular, are a horrific form of social disease.

They assume (incorrectly) that their taste in music is vastly superior to all those around them, and like a toddler with a bucket of paint, inflict mass and widespread damage and despair without giving it a second thought – wiping their unwanted opinions all over the place, like avocado coloured Dulux on a pristine, white, shag rug.

So today we’re attempting to perform a sort of troll-ectomy by naming and shaming some of the most frequent, least creative, and most rage-inducing commentors that regularly appear on music posts and articles online, with the hope of scrubbing out some of this scourge – or at the very least, make these bottom feeders think twice before they fling their unwanted secretions around.

1. The “Who cares?” guy

Actually, probably quite a lot of people care, that’s why the article/news story/song/video was posted in the first place. Just because you can’t find it in your iTunes or Youtube playlist or record collection, doesn’t mean a lot of people won’t. You’re not interested? That’s okay. But if you’re not interested, why go to the effort of making a comment? Or maybe you secretly are interested. Maybe you are so interested that you need to try and throw people off the scent of how interested you are, so as not to be embarrassed by your obsessive, border line psychotic interest? Did you ever think about that, man?! FREAK OUT!

Nostalgia is a strong and compelling force when it comes to appreciating music. It doesn’t, however, justify your argument that music was better in a certain decade. People that insist on the fact that the ’80s was the greatest musical decade of all time, for example, are clearly mentally insane. That reads like a slight overstatement, but to people who grew up in other decades, it rings very true. The music from the ’60s, ‘70s, ’90s, ’2000s and yes, even the ’80s, was great – and a lot of it was terrible. Was it better than any other one decade – no. It simply reflects the time and culture that you grew up in/identify most with. Dub step sounds like jamming your head into a fax machine for a lot of people, but some kids today will hail Skrillex as their Beatles. Sad, but true.

3. The “Whoever wrote this has no idea what they’re talking about and their opinion is completely wrong” guy

An opinion can’t be “wrong”. It’s an opinion. You may not agree with it, but it’s still an opinion. Also, people that get paid to have an opinion on music get paid for a reason – because they either have a valued judgement of music, or they’re eloquent and considerate in their expression of why they do/don’t like music. Either way, an opinion is like a butt hole – everyone’s got one, some people are just lucky enough to get paid to show theirs’ off.

4. The “They’ve been making the same record for 30 years” guy

They’ve probably been selling a shit load of records for 30 years too – and you probably own more than half. Bands like AC/DC, Bon Jovi, Red Hot Chili Peppers – they landed on a formula, and you know what, it’s theirformula. Michael Clarke doesn’t smack a century one day, change hands, and then assume he’s going to smack a century the next. Sometimes you stick with what you’re good at and that’s successful for you. That’s what inspired you to enter into the lucartive world of aquarium building, right? Maybe their fans find something more enjoyable and relatable in every new record? Maybe they’re honing their sound over the years? All we know is that if someone was going to pay us a ton of cash to record and perform music based on a sound that we created decades ago when we were teenagers, it would be pretty hard to say no.

5. The “I like their old stuff better” guy

Such a cliché that Regurgitator turned it into a song, and then emulated it with their career. We get it. Most people’s earlier stuff is better. Doesn’t mean it’s always true though, does it Mr Cash? ^

6. Nickelback defenders

This is very similar to the argument over climate change. Those that deny that the Canadian cliff rockers are the biggest threat to the planet are simply wrong, while the rest of us are Al Gore banging our heads against a wall.*

7. The “Who programs this stuff?” guy

One we get all the time at MAX. The process for how we come up with our lists is actually quite complicated. A team of 7,000 programmers are funnelled into an aeroplane hanger and given piles and piles of spreadsheets covered with the names of every song ever written. These programmers collate information based off of the release date, sales figures, chart placement, and continuing popularity of songs and then determine and divide the lists of songs into two playlists. Then, we sticky tape each list on the back of a sumo wrestler, let them throw down, and whoever reigns supreme is the list we go with.

Obviously that’s bullshit. But we do have a small team of programmers whose job it is to pick out songs and shows for us to play 24 hours a day. No, we don’t have sumos battle it out, nor do we push ‘Enter’ and have a computer algorithm come up with perfect lists. Just a couple of programmers filling out days and days of countdowns and specials. Do we occasionally let a two hit wonder slip into the One Hit Wonders countdown? Barely. What you call a “second hit” the majority of music fans don’t remember anyway. You can save that info for the next time you’re the crown participant on RocKwiz. But the fact that we make 24 hours of music tv, seven days a week is pretty bloody impressive, if we say so ourselves.

8. The “This just sounds like (insert name here)” guy

Seriously?! No shit! One musician sounds like another – what are the odds? Bloody high actually. When you look at the breakdown of popular music, it pretty much runs in cycles – as versions or hybrids of previous versions overtake each other in popularity. Rock and roll grew from the blues. Punk rock grew from rock and roll. Grunge grew from punk, etc, etc. The lineage of almost every form of music can be traced back to one premium account on Ancestry.com. So yes, it probably does sound like something you’ve heard before. Try listening to this updated version, or the old one – just don’t leave your useless comment.

9. The “Play more (insert artist un-related to the topic of conversation)” guy

As much as pro music comments made with enthusiasm are warranted and encouraged, there’s a time and a place. For instance, after preparing a lengthy and in-depth analysis of the influence of Cold Chisel’s song writing on the Australian musical landscape – posting it – and then having the first comment be, “Play the new video by Altiyan Childs,” essentially feels like finishing washing your car and then having a pelican spray bird diarrhoea on it. If we were going to play the Altiyan Childs video (which we will never do), then we would have played it already.

^ Yes, this is a NIN cover – but what a cover! Perfectly articulates the worth of older artists.

* We’re fully aware that this counters several arguments on this list. But this point, like people’s love of Nickelback, is beyond reason.

Originally published on maxtv.com.au